Monthly Topic #4: What Your Best Friend Does In Bed

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You know her taste in food, fashion and men, but what about her sex life? Admit it, you've probably wondered whether her bedroom action sizzles more than yours. So let's find out.

Want to grab everyone's attention no matter where you are or who you're with? Talk about sex. It's the one subject that never fails to fascinate, titillate and intrigue. When Alfred Kinsey published his pioneering report on the sex habits of Americans back in the 1950s, he had no idea what he started. Forty years later, we're still voraciously devouring every sex statistic we can lay our hands on. And getting a vicarious thrill out of listening to our girlfriends' revelations about their sex lives after a few glasses of wine on a Friday night. Sex might be commonplace - on our TVs, in papers and magazines, even plastered across billboards along our way to work - but it'll never be taken for granted. Because sex is powerful. Powerful enough to make kings give up their thrones, married women walk out on their families and the rest of us ditch the nice-but-boring guy-next-door for the bad boy who rides a Harley.

Sensational Sex

Forget being attractive or rich, driving a Porsche, even being thin - the one area we all want to excel in is sex. Because sex is so damn pleasurable. Good sex eats drugs, power - even chocolate! And there are people out there having mind-blowing sex every day of their lives. Is it any wonder what most of us are obsessed with finding out how they do it? In the words of the envious onlooker who watched Meg Ryan faked it in When Harry Met Sally, "I'll have what she's having." There are two types of sex: manufactured sex and real sex. Manufactured sex is what's dished up on TV, in erotic movies and books. You can get your fill of it just about anywhere, anytime, any place. Real sex is what real people do - and it's much more of a turn-on because we rarely get to see it. This is why eavesdropping on your neighbours, desperately trying to boost a flagging sex life by having sex on the kitchen table, is so much more interesting than watchig triple X porn.

Sex Gets Real

Says British sexpert Susan Quillam: "Even if we have watched soft-core movies, which attempt to show the real thing, they rarely achieve the actual blend of intense pleasure and intimacy that makes real-life sex so compulsive." So says sex therapist and clinical psychologist Janet Hall: "There's a strong drive within us to be the same as everyone else. It's the need to survive within the pack. It's easier to survive if we're like everyone else."

Sex: What's normal?

Quilliam believes we all like to measure ourselves against the norm to find our place in the sexual pecking order - particularly at different stages in our lives. What do most of us do if our sex life alters dramatically? Ask our best friend if she's ever experienced the same. "If our sex life becomes spasmodic, we compare ourselves to 'Jane' to see how we're doing," says Quilliam. "We may not like the answer, but at least we've now placed ourselves in the pecking order." Another reason we compare: wishful thinking. If our sex life is awful and we suspect it's got a lot to do with monogamy or age, we want to hear that others out there are still sizzling. If 'Jane' is still doing it twice a night then there may still be hope. If she can get it right then maybe, one day, with the right man or the right sex toy, our desire will come flooding back."

Sex Lies And Tall Tales

Of course, the big question is: will 'Jane' tell the truth? Who hasn't gone home after confessional with "the girls" secretly thinking (or hoping) that the wine let loose imaginations as well as tongues? (And felt guilty for exaggerating ourselves because everyone else's sex lives sound so interesting...) The trick to telling if someone's exaggerating or really does have sex with travelling salesman, seems to be how well you know them. According to the experts, we overplay our sexual prowess when we first meet people, out of a desire not to seem inferior. Once we become fast friends, we then overexaggerate how bad things are. "Once the barriers are down and we're to the point of admitting problems, we can tend to overplay those too because everyone likes to confess," says Quilliam.

Another dead giveaway of a not-so-hot sex life is silence. "There are two types of women out there," says Hall. "Those who enjoy sex and those who are still being the good girls. Women who don't enjoy sex tend to invalidate it and pretend that it's not important. The ones who get drunk and go into great detail are the ones who are orgasmic. They may be naturally more outrageous anyway - or they may need to get drunk in order to admit that Hey, I enjoy sex. Will you still like me if I say so?" Halls feel strongly that some women who don't like sex, don't like - and even pick on - women who do. If the rest of your friends are moaning about hating to give fellatio, it takes a lot of confidence to admit you enjoy it. Never mind if a good sex life is the right of all women and the rest are jealous. No-one enjoys knowing that, the minute her back is turned, someone's going to say "I knew she was a slut".

Sex Gets Competitive

The fact is, for a variety of reasons, people tell lies about sex. And anyone looking for truly objective sex advice and information finds that it's hard to come by. "In the UK," says Quilliam, "we get our basic information from our parents and occasionally from teachers." The media, she says, presents an ideal - which we usually find hard to live up to - while friends teach us "how to": how to kiss, how to flirt, how to make out. The only problem is, our peers tend to suffer from "one-up-personship". Often they'll say it was wonderful, when in fact it was awful. Then when we try it and, though embarrassment or lack of knowledge, also find it awful, we think we're getting it wrong..." While we're embarrassed to admit to gaping at the couple cuddling in the bar, our enthusiasm knows no bounds when it comes to the sex lives of the rich and famous: we're positive that the Sharon Stones and Cameron Diazs of the world set the sheets on fire.

"We believe that the image is the reality," says Quilliam. "In fact, extraordinary sex has to be underpinned by a mixture of emotion, sensitivity, knowledge, imagination and a willingness to learn. There's no reason why winning an Oscar or being a millionaire makes one any more likely to have these personality traits than being a bus driver." She's right, of course. But emotionally, I just can't imagine Sharon being a dud; or my warm but staid girlfriend Pat bonking on her mum's washing machine, despite her vivid description. It's sad but true that even if we do discover what other people do in bed, we don't believe them anyway.

How Do You Measure Up?

While we're the first to admit you shouldn't concern yourself with averages of who does what, where and with whom, we couldn't resist a peek at the very latest sex stats. Here, compliments of the world's sex researchers, the facts and figures on men, relationships and all things sexual...

• 75% of men masturbate once a week but only 35% of women join them. Most women masturbate only once a month.
• A study which compared stay-at-home couples with those who party all night long, found those who stayed in had better sex, more often.
• The average penis is 12cm - 15cm long. When American can were asked to estimate the average length, they put it at 25cm; women estimated it at 10cm.
• The official average of 2.5 bonks per week has dropped to less than twice a week. Most Western married or defacto couple have sex just over sex times a month. Men aged 16-24 were the most amorous, clocking up 10 sessions a month. Only women aged 35-44 had sex that often.
• 75% of British women have cheated - and 83% of them aren't sorry. The Kinsey institute claims 30-40% of married men have affairs, but other researchers claim the figure is much higher.
• 56% of Australians have had sex at work - the most popular place is on the boss' desk.
• 13% of American women aged 18-26 never had an orgasm.
• Most Brits would rather sleep-in, chat with friends or read a good book than have sex. Only one in 10 would bonk more often if they could.
• One-third of German women refuse to have sex after an argument - most "strikes" last three days.
• Toyboys are officially good for you. US doctors found women over 50 with partners more than nine years younger than them were three times less prone to an early death.
• If you want to know how many people your girlfriend's slept with, multiply what she says by three. English sex expert Dr Colin Francombe claims women only remember significant relationships.

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Monthly Topic #3: Best friend VS boyfriend - What to do when they hate each other

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You have a new man, and you want to share your happiness with your best pals, who've stuck by you through thick, thin and lousy exes. But what happens when they don't click with Mr Right Now?

Things didn't go qute as Jasmine expected. When she made a booking at the restaurant, she'd warned the waiter that their table was likely to be the rowdiest and the last to leave. After all, her new boyfriend Melvin and her closest most-loved friends were bound to get on like a house on fire.

Instead everyone was on their way home at 9pm! Melvin, a -laugh-a-minute with Jasmine, sat in stony silence with her pals, answering them with “yes” or “no” only. Why? “I didn't like them. I don't know what you see in them,” he sniffed later. “I bet they're wondering that about you,” she thought.

This kind of situation happens all too often: I consider my pals super-successful, intelligent, warm, loving and a scream. My ex thought they were snotty, over-protective, career-obsessed and humorless. He didn't want to see them, they wanted to see me and there simply wasn't enough time to see them separately. He forced me to choose so I ditched him – quite rightly so, according to the experts.

They say that being able to get on with each other's family and friends is one of 12 major things that makes a relationship work. So you're right to be cautious if they don't get on. But don't give him the heave-ho just yet! Take a good look at the real reasons he dislikes your friends (not the “they're not good enough for you”, “too boring”)...

He feels under fire

“Hurt her and you'll have to deal with us,” your friends announce to him. Even if they do say it with a smile, the message is clear: he's on trial until they decide if he's good enough. It's no wonder he's not jumping at the chance to meet up! First, look at your behavior. Are you waiting for their stamp of approval? If so, why do you feel inadequate to make your own decisions? And maybe your friends truly are being ridiculously over-protective. Friends are often clingy and have a sense of ownership about us. If someone else comes between you – namely him – it can often turn into bitchiness.

If he's reasonably mature, he'll probably figure they have your best interests at heart and laugh it off. But if he's shy and your girlfriends are on the attack? Of course, he;ll feel uncomfortable. It's important to ask: is he being consistent? If he's all bravado with you then crumbles when your friends put him on the spot, he's trying to “fake good”.

Action Plan

• Plan the meeting: Avoid noisy nightclubs or parties which can be trouble. Instead, take the pressure off everyone by doing something together (play a game, get them to help you fix something at home). While they're focused on a task, there's less bickering – even if they're very different people.
• Don't make him the focus: Instead of an intimate dinner with just you and your best friend, make it a big group so he doesn't feel like he must perform.
• Confront the issue in a positive way: Say “My friends are protective and I'm worth it.” That's better than 'They have high standards for me and are seeing if you match up.”
• Ask why he's uncomfortable: He could have been misjudged before, though he may have nothing to hide.
• Tell your friends to back off: Say you know they're trying to protect you but you can do that yourself.

He finds them a threat

Are you “dating down”? If he's less intelligent/hip/good-looking than your usual men, he probably knows and may feel inadequate. While you may not rib him about his lack of education, dress sense or bad grammar, friends can be patronizing. He knows they've seen all the other boyfriends and he can't compete against them. Some nervousness around your friends is a compliment: it implies that he wants to do his best. However, avoiding even meeting them is different. He could be afraid of commitment. Meeting your friends means commitment and he's thinking “What's she expecting?”

Also, if he feels threatened because your friends are very different from what he's used to, it probably means you are too. Not a great sign. Statistically, people who are alike have a better chance of making it than people from completely different worlds.

Action Plan

• Make it clear that he doesn't need to impress your friends, just you: It's what you think that counts.
• Don't let friends judge him on their criteria: Are you really dating down or actually going out with someone who has characteristics that complement yours?
• If you have a history of dating men who are threatened by your friends, are you unwittingly dating men who're “beneath you”?: It could be that your self-esteem is low and you feel safe with someone less capable. Or that the person has values you aspire to – maybe he's more carefree? Ask if your reasons for dating him are right.

He fears their influence

He senses your friends don't like him. By saying he doesn't like them he's trying to diminish importance in your eyes and (hopefully) their influence on you. Great theory but it rarely works - he's far better off being honest. If he's nervous about the power your friends have over you, he may just be watching out for you. On the other hand, he might know he's failing the test and be trying to discredit them. If he's worried about their influence, he's worried about losing you, and that's a plus. But if he has to tighten his grip by being nasty about them, he's going to lose you anyway. Be especially wary if he starts playing games like “You don't really love me do you? You're listening to them!” If he's constantly seeking reassurance, send him to assertiveness school.

Action Plan

• Be honest – do your friends have too much influence over you?: Trust your own judgement.
• Reassure him but don't go overboard: He should realize if you really like him, your friend's ill opinion won't change that.
• It's normal for friends to offer an opinion on your new man: Listen to what they have to say; they might see things you don;t.

He's possessive

He gets narky if you dare to have a coffee with a friend, saying “I can't help it if I love you so much I want you all to myself.” He doesn't just hate all your friends, he despises them. By now, the sirens should be screeching out “Warning! Warning!” You're on dangerous ground. If he doesn't get on with anyone, he's on an ownership trip: “I own you, if you really loved me you wouldn't need friends.” That sort of behavior can lead to future stalking.

It's one thing to say he doesn't like them, quite another to call your best friend a slut. If he respects you – and women generally – he's not going to slag them off, rather, he should say something like “I don't like Carol but that doesn't stop you from seeing her.” After all, your friends are really none of his business. It is possible that you might be spending too much time with them and not enough with him. To tell the difference, consider the reasons he gives. A mature guy will say, “Can you change your night out with the girls tonight? I'm working all weekend and won't get to see you.” That's different from “What are you going out with them for? You should spend time with me!” Psychologists call this “controlling behavior” - something you don't want.

Women under 30 who're still trying to “find themselves”, are particularly vulnerable to such controlling. Initially, you think it's wonderful that he wants you to spend all your time with him; later, you'll realize what a loser he is. If he dares to ask you to ditch your friends for him, be firm but clear. A simple “Go away NOW” will do.

Action Plan

• Set limits: Say “I'll see you weekends, but I need my friends.” For a relationship to work, there must be at least three relationships: time with him, time for him with his friends, time for your with yours.
• If he's trying to separate you from all your friends, he's trying to make you dependent on him and thus less likely to ditch him: You're letting him? Get a grip, girl!
• Stop letting one person control your entire life: How do you experience new things if you're not doing them with different people?

It's a personality clash

People clash for all sorts of reasons but there's often nothing sinister about it. We slot people into pre-existing stereotypes, sometimes on sight; maybe they subconsciously remind us of that dreaded ex, that nasty cousin, or it may be a silly reason – like what they're wearing. If it's instant dislike, it's not her fault of his and it may pass once the real person starts to emerge. If we're fair, we'll accept that first impressions can be wrong. And if the impression never changes, the mature man will say, “I don't like her, she doesn't like me. I'll be nice to her but it's probably best if you see her mostly on your own.”

Sometimes, it's the friend you least expected him to click with that he likes. The quiet, brooding romantic might adore your extroverted, outrageous girlfriend. After all, variety is the spice of life!

Action Plan

• Is it really that important that everyone gets on?: Not every guy is going to be forever. If you're meant to be, it will work out. We're drawn to different people throughout life, go down a little road with someone for a few months, realize we're at cross purposes then split. So does it matter that he doesn't like Sarah?
• You can't force people to like each other but you can demand that they respect your judgement: Okay, he'll turn his nose up when you mention her name but bitchy comments aren't on. Ditto for her.
• Use reverse psychology: Tell your boyfriend your gal pal told you how cute he was. Tell her he said she seemed really nice. If he thinks she likes him, he's more inclined to like her – and vice versa. They both start being nice to each other and before you know it, they're buddies!
• Nothing seems to work: If she's a friend you see occasionally, it's not a problem. Simply see her on her own. If it's your best friend, not so easy. It's all over unless one of them turns around pretty quickly.

He sees what you can't

Deb and Peter nearly broke up over his dislike of one of her closest friends. They're now married – and her pal wasn't invited to the wedding. Peter resented Chris. She only saw Deb when she wanted something. She borrowed money and never repaid it, borrowed clothes and returned them stained. She only use her and gave nothing in return. Deb says that Peter forced her to look honestly at the relationship and didn't like what she saw – that Peter was right about Chris.

Boyfriends can give us another perspective. If he loves you and feels you're being taken advantage of, he may have a point. The trick is to weigh up his comments and make sure he's not motivated by jealousy. Then make up your own mind whether you want to stay friends with her. The bottom line is she's your friend, not his.

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